All I have to say is FINALLY! I am glad that the people are finally standing up and taking control of their lives. What happened during the global financial crisis was terrible and we are still feeling the repercussions.
People need to come together and take a stand for what is right. Down with those evil corporations, down with the 1%! Here is why I think that the Occupy Wall Street Movement is without a doubt, the greatest movement of our generation.
1. We ARE the 99%!
I am proud to say that I am the 99%. It is pretty tough to be in the 99% though, you have to admit. Well of course…you know what it is like, you are in it too.
Don’t you hate it when you are repressed day after day and you can’t do anything about it? We are better than that! Deep down, I know that you could do more with your life if that lousy 1% wasn’t holding you back. I feel the same way brother/sister.
It is not our fault that we go to college and come out $50,000 in debt, only to get a job that we could have got with a high school diploma. Who cares if some of the richest people in the world dropped out of college…they are losers.
It’s not our fault that we go into debt, buying shit we don’t need. The 1% makes us do it…and I really did need that 75″ LCD TV.
Buy a house that we can afford? Psssssh…we are Americans, bigger is better.
Damn those people in Thailand. Or France. Or Congo. Wait, which 1% was it again?
We live in one of the richest, freest countries in the world…we should be complaining!
2. Leaderless revolutions are the kind of revolutionary thinking that we need
Who ever thought that having a leader was a good idea anyway? That just leads to repression. The Civil Rights Movement would have done fine without Martin Luther King. The United States would have still become an independent country without George Washington.
When you give one person too much power, you end up with people like Marilyn Manson or the Unabomber. Or Charles Manson…one of the Manson brothers.
Anyway…take my word for it, it gets all jacked up.
We all need to just chill the fuck out and let the MOVEMENT take care of itself. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in the minutia of concrete goals (like equal rights, voting for women and banning whaling) that they forget to see the bigger picture: Humanity coming together for a common cause…coming together and standing in the same place…at the same time.
3. Using the Arab Spring tactic will bring victory
Since we are in the US, using the Arab Spring tactic of demonstration just makes sense. But do not worry, it is not only our only alternative, but it is the best available method of demonstration.
You see, the Ghandi Summer tactic is actually the best way to protest, but you can only use that in Canada…on the English speaking side. The French Canadians thought it was too powerful a demonstration technique and pepper spray anyone who even looks like Ghandi. Or John Lennon. Non of that shit on the Eastside.
But seriously, you cannot argue with the Arab Spring tactic, it gets results. It has overthrown governments and has supposedly resulted in a 40% hike in the minimum wage in Lebanon.
This is no ordinary demonstration tactic where a bunch of people come together peacefully and protest something that they are against. This is the internet age and this is Arab Spring bitches!
4. The unemployed need to stop being so greedy and volunteer their time for the good of all
You know what…this is my pet peeve! It should actually be number one. People who think more about eating or providing shelter for their kids than the good of all humanity. How selfish can these bastards be…right?
Just like it says on the website:
“We call for the unemployed to volunteer, to learn, to teach, to use what skills they have to support themselves as part of the revolting people as a community.”
Because giving selflessly of yourself is all the sustenance you need. Nutrition is highly over rated.
Those evil corporations don’t create thousands of jobs, that is a myth. They are evil, that is their real business. Not working will show them who is boss!
5. Abandoned buildings and land need to be seized and put to good use…for once
Yes, yes and yes! All of those abandoned buildings and land need to be taken back by the 99% and put to good use. What do these people think they are doing with these properties anyway?
People who speculate in real estate are evil. Those properties could be used by poor deserving people. So I say that we take back all of the resources that aren’t being used and put them to their highest and best use. As a crack house. Or a brothel. Actually, a meth lab is pretty useful too.
Just don’t take the vacant land at 2938 Valley Road in Tempe, Arizona. That land belongs to my Aunt and it has been in her family for generations.
6. Using Twitter hashtags after your Tweet is weak, we need to be STRONG!
If we are going to agents of true change, we need to put the #occupywallstreet hashtag in as many blog post titles as humanly possible. Not only that, but any other hashtag that comes to mind.
This will give the revolution momentum because it will show people that they are not the only ones who don’t know how to use Twitter. We are the 99%…and proud of it!
7. Paying people to lobby the government on your behalf is for losers
What do the Tobacco Companies, Drug Companies and Finance Companies have in common? They are all losers.
Why? Because they raise money to lobby the government to create laws in their favor. People who institute real change don’t need money. Or lobbiers. Or laws.
We just need to get as many people to stand in a town square as possible. It doesn’t matter who comes, just as long as we can say that we organized millions of people to stand up to the repressive 1%.
Literally.
Then we can go home, take a shower and watch some TV. Maybe drink a beer.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot…
If Ben and Jerry believe, it has to be legit! After all Schweddy Balls is what revolutions are made of.
